me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
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her: what r u doing?
me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have-
her: oh god
me:-a water filter.
One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it’s an entire rotisserie chicken.
My corduroy pillow has been making headlines all week.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
“Yeah can I have a triple bacon cheeseburger…”
*sees Grim Reaper in passenger seat*
*sigh* “and can you put lettuce and tomato on that?”
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
one last job
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.