[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
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[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.