[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

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me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue


her: what r u doing?

me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have-

her: oh god

me:-a water filter.


One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it’s an entire rotisserie chicken.


My corduroy pillow has been making headlines all week.


I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.


“Yeah can I have a triple bacon cheeseburger…”

*sees Grim Reaper in passenger seat*

*sigh* “and can you put lettuce and tomato on that?”


[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]



Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.