[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
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[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I have a place for everything. The floor.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
me 2 months after i graduated
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
The devil.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car