[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
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Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.