@Sophie2078

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

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@politicalmath

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

@LeiaMarieG

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

@PatsATweetin

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

@OakHill_

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

@TattedChanel

So Brad Pitt is being investigated for child abuse after yelling at his kids on a flight. Better send my mum to the electric chair then.

@BuckyIsotope

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

@JohnLyonTweets

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

@girlwithatail

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

@charliedelta7

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.