God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
where’s Godzilla when we need him
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.