God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.