God making man in his image was the original selfie
You Might Also Like
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.