God making man in his image was the original selfie
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My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?