[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
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Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Well well well…
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Huge, if true.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
All excellent questions
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep