I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
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BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Hello is this NASA? Ya what will happen if the sun decided to come out at night? Is it still called night or morning? Hello?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.