My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
You Might Also Like
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Gf: on a scale from 1-10, how annoyed are you with me right now?
Gf: I can do better than that
*bursts into church*
DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN
Undertaker: “This is a funeral”
OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I like giving names to my furniture
Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch
If you like to spoon, you’ll love to spatula. That’s where I flip you over to make certain you’re done properly on both sides.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children