@NickMakesJokes

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

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@sarcasticmommy4

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

@kurteichenwald

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

@UncleDuke1969

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

@LoveNLunchmeat

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

@saladinahmed

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

@Pro_Jones_

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

@NeinQuarterly

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

@KKAlThani

Hello is this NASA? Ya what will happen if the sun decided to come out at night? Is it still called night or morning? Hello?

@echo262

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.