@NickMakesJokes

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

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@jxeker

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

@usermcuserface

A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..

@bobvulfov

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

@Hormonella

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

@JasonNotEvil

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

@SondraDeeMe

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

@AGStr8upNinja

If I had the power to control people’s minds like Professor Xavier I’d probably just make them get me snacks.

@GoodZiIIa

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them