@NickMakesJokes

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

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@sarcasticmommy4

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

@DaddyJew

Gf: on a scale from 1-10, how annoyed are you with me right now?

Me: 8

Gf: I can do better than that

@RoosterMustache

*bursts into church*

DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN

Undertaker: “This is a funeral”

OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER

@T_Bonezzz

I like giving names to my furniture

Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch

@professor_eks

If you like to spoon, you’ll love to spatula. That’s where I flip you over to make certain you’re done properly on both sides.

@IanDunt

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

@cuntyspice_

the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did

@ShortSleeveSuit

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children