[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.