[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
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Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me