Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
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Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist?
Worker: You mean screws?
Me: I don’t know, I’m not a nail scientist.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
2: He ate 3 campers
SiriusXM is broadcasting NASCAR because there’s nothing more exciting than listening to people drive.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.
Caller: I’m your worst nightmare.
Me: Whaaat?? You’re a sugar free cookie??
5yo’s pretending she’s a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the “toilet’s too cold.”