Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
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ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Okay me first
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.