@Skoog

god making serotonin for me

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@zachreinert03

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist?

Worker: You mean screws?

Me: I don’t know, I’m not a nail scientist.

Worker….

@XGibbons

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

@juliussharpe

SiriusXM is broadcasting NASCAR because there’s nothing more exciting than listening to people drive.

@VerifiedDrunk

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

@karanbirtinna

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

@HorryPuttor

deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.

@lildandeli0n

Caller: I’m your worst nightmare.

Me: Whaaat?? You’re a sugar free cookie??

@The_JRM

5yo’s pretending she’s a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the “toilet’s too cold.”