Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
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Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.