@pittdave13

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

You Might Also Like

@seanforhire

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

@YourMomsucksTho

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

@sophielou

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

@qikipedia

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

@CatsVsHumanity

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

@JohnLyonTweets

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

@AmishPornStar1

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

@notalogin

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

@LibyaLiberty

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”