God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
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INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.