My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.