God must be a Republican. He wasn’t that into humans until He found His Son was one.

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He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”


I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?


You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.


If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.


An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.


[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No


Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.


They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.