I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
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PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!