[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
You Might Also Like
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Word!
[shakes fist at other fist]
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.