[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

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I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.


Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot


“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome


I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days


they put u to sleep during surgery bc the government doesn’t want u to know that ur actually a cake


[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok


The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.


Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff


Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.