I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
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Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
they put u to sleep during surgery bc the government doesn’t want u to know that ur actually a cake
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist
lady: we have cole slaw
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.