@panmidwest

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

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@Parentpains

Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they’ll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too.

@HatfieldAnne

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

@CruelMeiga

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

@MohanadElshieky

Leonardo DiCaprio: I’m dating a 22 years old.

Dane Cook: hold my beer.

Dane Cook’s girlfriend: I can’t.

@ParaComedian09

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

@rachellinfox

Sister posted on FB: pray for me, I have a test tomorrow.

My comment: it’s cheating if Jesus helps you.

Solidifying my black sheep status

@lecalabara

Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!

@IndecisiveJones

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts