Thirty years ago, Marco Rubio was bitten by a radioactive doormat.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
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Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they’ll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Leonardo DiCaprio: I’m dating a 22 years old.
Dane Cook: hold my beer.
Dane Cook’s girlfriend: I can’t.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Sister posted on FB: pray for me, I have a test tomorrow.
My comment: it’s cheating if Jesus helps you.
Solidifying my black sheep status
Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts