This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
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Nelly: it’s getting hot in here
me: no it’s not
Nelly: [taking off all his clothes] it is
me: you have a fever
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
this is your final warning
Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.
I’m an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I’m just majestic.