GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

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This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.


Nelly: it’s getting hot in here

me: no it’s not

Nelly: [taking off all his clothes] it is

me: you have a fever


Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”


Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.


[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…


[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning


Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.


I’m an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I’m just majestic.