God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

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“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang


NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house


Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.


BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot–

LAWYER: *plays dead*

BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go


Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot



*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”


Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.



I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.


I bought up a shit ton of 60w light bulbs just before they got banned and I think it’s time to get rich selling them on the black market