God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller