Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
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multitasking lunch
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
*eats only grass-fed donuts