@michaelianblack

“God” not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don’t worship God. “Money” mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.

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@samfromks

I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.

@SheBanggs

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

@Vodkantots

It’s like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Then she said I looked fat.

@katiefzack

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

@DurtMcHurtt

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

@GerryDuggan

Imagine PREDATOR is a sequel to E.T. Now enjoy both films more.

@parhwy

“I want u so badly” – Scrabble players with a q in their rack.