“God” not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don’t worship God. “Money” mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.

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I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.


I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.


It’s like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Then she said I looked fat.


If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.


I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.


Imagine PREDATOR is a sequel to E.T. Now enjoy both films more.


“I want u so badly” – Scrabble players with a q in their rack.