@WritePlay

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

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@AimeeHelene1

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

@funnyordie

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

@Daveastated

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

@Jessdaisy

Today, I threw away all the random chargers and cables that have been collecting; I’m sure that every electronic ever associated with one of them will now show up instantly, after not having been seen in years.

@LibyaLiberty

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

@MunkMania

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

@donni

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

@HiddenPinky

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*