god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

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*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience


TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.


Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*


Today, I threw away all the random chargers and cables that have been collecting; I’m sure that every electronic ever associated with one of them will now show up instantly, after not having been seen in years.


Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.


I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.


My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.


A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*