@TheAndrewNadeau

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

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@Not_From_Troy

I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: “How the hell did you get into my house?”

@djdarrellripley

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

@Julian_Deane

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

@Marlebean

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

@sarcasticmommy4

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

@Jamberee13

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

@BoogTweets

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

@Adam14

My new bowflex comes tomorrow…so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.

@michael_raphone

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

@djr_102

If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.