GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
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I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.