If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
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Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
that de-escalated quickly
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
A great tip. #CakeRex
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them