A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
You Might Also Like
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes