God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people

[creates Twitter]

You Might Also Like


I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.


A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life


You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math


The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station


My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.


Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral


Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato


Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.