@The_Grant_Boldt

God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people

[creates Twitter]

You Might Also Like

@Lhlodder

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

@Cpin42

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

@faggrat

time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950…so weird lmaoo

@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

@Donna_McCoy

I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

@gianni_bcn

*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*

@AlexvanBeek

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

@alexivenegas_

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

@momjeansplease

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic