*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
You Might Also Like
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
cry laughing at this shit
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture