God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people
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How I like cutting carbs
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
%) I love you guys
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.