@The_Grant_Boldt

God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people

[creates Twitter]

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@elunatyk

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

@Book_Krazy

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

@Green_EyedMama

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

@Mr_Kapowski

The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station

@lisaxy424

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

@bornmiserable

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

@AnOrangeSNES

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

@sixfootcandy

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.