6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people
You Might Also Like
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950…so weird lmaoo
[guy who’s about to invent parties]
*drinking alone* i wish this was worse
I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic