God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
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Her: Will I see you again?
*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
me: AND UR COMPUTER
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don’t send me a fruitcake. Already got one.
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug