I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.