[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
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wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Sell your car