god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
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Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I know
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Lmao
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?