god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
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Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
i meant to share this earlier
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not