[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
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Got ya covered
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
The Weeknd is back
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.