*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.