*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend