God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
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My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers