God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
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Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.