Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
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“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Xylophonist Shredding It
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
A woman drives into a bar.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.