GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
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If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost