@SandwichGhoul

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

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@IDontSpeakWhine

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

@_mindflakes

Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life

@noog

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

@Mr_DrEsquire

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

@KateWhineHall

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

@mack44_d

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

@onion_an

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

@wickedsuga

This kid in target fell on the ground screaming bc his mom wouldn’t buy him candy

& now she’s yelling for us both to get up and be quiet.

@Steven37366100

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?