GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao


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The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.


Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life


Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me


Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”


Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.


I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.


[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*


This kid in target fell on the ground screaming bc his mom wouldn’t buy him candy

& now she’s yelling for us both to get up and be quiet.


Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?