God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
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NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money