@KissabiX

God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?

Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off

You Might Also Like

@ramblinma

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

@Donna_McCoy

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

@ddsmidt

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

@AnOrangeSNES

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

@Havish_AF

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

@CulturedRuffian

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

@space0tter

Date

*pulls out clipboard*
“Name?”
“Uh.. Beth.”
“Ok.. Check. Kids?”
“No”
“Check. Club Penguin username?”
“What’s that?”
*drops clipboard*