*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
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wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.