God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?

Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off

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No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.


There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.


Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.


If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.


– Shout!
– Shout!
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.


Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.



*pulls out clipboard*
“Uh.. Beth.”
“Ok.. Check. Kids?”
“Check. Club Penguin username?”
“What’s that?”
*drops clipboard*