@chuuew

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

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@HomeWithPeanut

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

@leonardcowalski

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

@Jerrypleasure

[first day as an archaeologist]

ME: *digging*

COWORKER: *yelling* stop digging in our office, karen !! You’re gonna get us all fired

@TheAlexP

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

@Angibangie

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

@starringmichell

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

@JizzIam

Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I’m now waiting on a tow truck.

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

@jwoodham

There’s a 100% chance the Republicans will discuss Starbucks cups in a debate tonight, so remember that when they ask how they lost in 2016.

@ddsmidt

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.