GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
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After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Fries, not lies.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Feels like there should be a middle ground
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Those are good neighbors.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!