God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
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Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks