God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

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[before date]

friend: make everything about her


waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault


[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*


Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.


It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.


I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.


me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!


Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.


YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?


My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.


Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.