@daddydoubts

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

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@decentbirthday

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

@internetluke

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

@Sorrowscopes

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

@blaudiablogan

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

@818Newbie

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

@dadmann_walking

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

@CulturedRuffian

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

@DrakeGatsby

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

@simoncholland

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

@Qckhd

Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.