God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
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Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
accurate
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.