GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

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[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit


My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.


{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?


ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad


Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.


You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On


“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.


[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*


[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?