GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
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Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…