@iamspacegirl

God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal

Angel: So, new diet not going well?

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@badbanana

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

@NurseSeymour

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

@baronvonbike

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

@spinubzilla

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

@protolalia

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

@ThaJawn

4:*calls thing wrong name
Me:*corrects him
4:*repeats wrong name
Me:*corrects him
4:*maintains eye contact and repeats wrong name slowly

@leftarmisme

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

@Skoogeth

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?