Calm down, psychopaths.
Nobody seizes a Tuesday.
God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal
Angel: So, new diet not going well?
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It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
4:*calls thing wrong name
4:*repeats wrong name
4:*maintains eye contact and repeats wrong name slowly
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?