@RexChapman
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
@iamspacegirl
God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal
Angel: So, new diet not going well?
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@RexChapman
@InternetHippo
Feeling good about the economy, and my life in particular, because of the stock market. I don’t have money in the stock market, I just like to see the numbers get big
@thenatewolf
Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle?
Me: that obvious?
Salesman: nobody asks “how loud is the vroom?” they ask “what’s the vroomage?”
@Chhapiness
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
@Carbosly
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
@riscfuture
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
@Sarcasticsapien
Me: How are you?
Coworker: I can’t complain.
Me: *sticks finger in his coffee*
Coworker: I just paid for that!
Me: I knew you were lying.
@Spaziotwat
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
@UncleDuke1969
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
@Dawn_M_
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.