Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal
Angel: So, new diet not going well?
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BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend
ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
There is nothing funnier than yelling “SHE’S STEALING MY BABY!” at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.