God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal

Angel: So, new diet not going well?

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Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer


[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk


There is nothing funnier than yelling “SHE’S STEALING MY BABY!” at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.


Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.


No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨


Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.


You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.