God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal

Angel: So, new diet not going well?

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Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎


Feeling good about the economy, and my life in particular, because of the stock market. I don’t have money in the stock market, I just like to see the numbers get big


Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle?

Me: that obvious?

Salesman: nobody asks “how loud is the vroom?” they ask “what’s the vroomage?”


Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes


My favourite machine at the gym is the television.


Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”


Me: How are you?
Coworker: I can’t complain.
Me: *sticks finger in his coffee*
Coworker: I just paid for that!
Me: I knew you were lying.


Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.


If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.