God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal

Angel: So, new diet not going well?

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Dog: [Barks at the mailman]
Human: Bad dog.
Dog: [Turns to the camera] My human hates bills, yet gets mad when I try to scare the guy off.


After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.


haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho


imagine not being able to use your imagination.



*angrily whispering over crib*
“Sheila you know I was raised by wolves. I have to pay it forward.”
“But why do they need their own cribs?”


Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.


Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.


(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world


Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath


Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total