@nimble__nick
Dog: [Barks at the mailman]
Human: Bad dog.
Dog: [Turns to the camera] My human hates bills, yet gets mad when I try to scare the guy off.
@iamspacegirl
God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal
Angel: So, new diet not going well?
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@nimble__nick
@RunOldMan
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
@imteddybless
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
@fro_vo
imagine not being able to use your imagination.
wrong
@ibid78
*angrily whispering over crib*
“Sheila you know I was raised by wolves. I have to pay it forward.”
“But why do they need their own cribs?”
@SteveDutzy
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
@bfrosty04
Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.
@eedrk
(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world
@robotrowboat
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
@GohansMom
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total