BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
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When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does