God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
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twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
we’re dead?