I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.