@rudy_mustang

God: then u become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yah lol the “rest”

C: how long

G

C:how long God

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@_NinJar

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

@dumbbeezie

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

@NickadooLA

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

@faizziy

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

@TheWidowmakerX

{Speed dating}

Him: What are your interests?

Me: Guns, knives, blood, drugs, cemeteries…

Wait! Where are you going? We still have 3 min

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

@Ideal_Victoria

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

@surrealvehicle

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

@michaelianblack

Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I’m never like, “Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?”

@InternetHippo

groundhog: sorry guys, 6 more weeks of winter

everyone (sunbathing in february): ok