If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
mathematically impossible
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.