At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
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*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
This made me chuckle.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I told my vodka about you.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise