GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
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Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why